How to start a conversation about sex

If you are in a serious and committed relationship, the topic of sex will pop up in a matter of time. So why not broach this topic earlier? The longer you wait, the harder this conversation becomes. It might feel very awkward at the start but trust us, having an open conversation about sex will definitely propel your relationship to a whole new level of trust and intimacy. By sharing each other’s preferences and comfort levels, you can create a safe space of play and intimacy while also knowing how to express love by pleasing each other. Here are five quick tips on how to talk to your partner about sex.

1. Be vulnerable & frank
   Talking about sex can actually be more vulnerable than the act itself. It is absolutely normal to feel awkward at the start. But know that when you can have such intimate conversations, your relationship establishes a new level of trust as a couple. If you need some help, you can replace the word “sex” with “making out”, “making love” or “being intimate”.

2. Set your boundaries together
   Know your own comfort zone, and be clear to communicate your expectations. Your partner is not a mind-reader, so be honest and open about your desires and boundaries. Setting clear expectations can remove uncertainty and prevent potential conflicts down the road. Some questions to consider: when and where is okay to have sex? Choice of contraception? To what extent of play, making out, outercourse vs intercourse? Don’t forget that consent is key and that non-consensual sex is sexual assault.

3. Be compassionate & curious
   Be curious about your partner’s preferences and desires. And as the saying goes, you have two ears and a mouth, so listen more than you speak. Most importantly be patient. Understand that your partner may need some time to gather their thoughts and express themselves. Do not complain and be critical with your partner, instead speak positively. One tip is to use more “I” rather than “you” in your sentence so that it feels less accusatory. For example, “I feel…” or “I really like it when…” vs “you make me feel…”.

4. Understand each other’s sexual health
   Pleasure only comes with good health. Do not shy away from asking the important questions around his/her history of STDs testing. Do not  jump to conclusions and start an interrogation. Instead, be candid and come from a perspective of care and concern. For example, you can say: “This is a tough topic for me to talk about but I really care about our health and I think it’s important to broach this early on. How do you feel about going to get tested for STDs together?” or “By the way, I just got tested for STDs and it’s all clear. Have you been tested? I just want to make sure we are taking care of each other”.

5. Timing is everything
   Intuitively think it is best to talk about sex right before or straight after sex? Scrape that idea. Being in the heat of the moment, your emotions can run high and make you feel extra vulnerable to chat about sex. Instead, find a time to talk outside of the bedroom, when you are both free and not rushing to the next appointment. Find the cosiest corner in your house/neighbourhood park or even consider bringing this up at the end of the day while on your night walks. Go with whichever you feel is the most comfortable! If you need an extra dash of courage to start this conversation, pour yourself a glass of Merlot or make that chamomile tea!

There you go, five tips to help you along the journey of talking about sex with your partner and also with your friends. Enjoy the true pleasures in your life and bring good vibes to each other.