From bad virgin experience to self exploration

Girl next door shares how’s she improved on awkward first sexual encounter to pushing the limits of sexual pleasure with toys

Good Vibes SG: Good evening Rachel, glad to have you with us, can you share more about your family background?

My family is not very conservative, but also not open minded too. My parents make jokes about body parts and gentalia once in a while. They don't let me sleepover at my friend's house but it is okay for my friends to sleepover under their watch. Double standards definitely. I would describe us as a fairly tightly-knitted family, we talk about family matters, school, work very openly, and share our thoughts honestly with each other. I guess we could discuss about everything but sex…

Good Vibes SG: Sex? Sex is definitely a taboo topic for most Asian family!

We don't openly talk about sex but we talk about dating right after I started University. They said I can have as many boyfriends as you want, so they're quite open in that sense but don't bring back any guys. Before I went to exchange my mom was like “Eh you don't hanky-panky and sleep around okay?”

Reflecting on this, my parents, especially my mom, was definitely more open as I grew older, but I never thought of any of my family members as my sexual confidante. The very thought of it is horrifying!

Good Vibes SG: Talking about sharing sexual stories, Wwhat was your first sexual encounter?

I had my first sexual encounter in hall haha. Thankfully I have my own private room and I was also able to do it away from my parents’ watchful eye. It was both my boyfriend and my first time, so you can imagine it did not happen like the movies. We were both very inexperienced and also awkward I guess.

It ended within 5 minutes because he came and I was a bit taken aback that it had ended. Physically, every sexual experience for guys is always at least a 6 or 7 out of 10 because they always get to finish off. For us girls, we are often left hanging in when the partner is done. It is kind of unfair in that sense right - we are more reliant on our partner than they are of us, and they experience orgasm faster and more easily than we do!

Good Vibes SG:  I think taking back control of our own body is something that many women want. When did you start trying out sex toys?

When I was in Japan with my partner. The sex shop doesn’t look seedy, dark or garish like the ones in Singapore. I don’t feel embarrassed browsing inside. The one that we went to was in Akihabara, it was a multi level sex shop with anything from a lubricant to really bizarre porn. Of course I started with something small, like a discreet bullet vibrator.

We tried it and we were fumbling around because we did not know how to use it, where to apply pressure. In the end I used it on my own and figured my way around it. When it comes to sex toys and even sex itself, it is better to try to be more self-aware first. 

Good Vibes SG: I think we are on to something, so what do you think is the difference between masturbation and sex? Can masturbation replace sex?

Masturbation and self-pleasure is a lot more straightforward, and self-centred. It is all about ourselves. Whatever that physically gives us the most gratification and pleases us the most, we can just do it. 

Sex with a partner is very different; it can be an expression of intimacy and love. It is one of the reasons why we go down on our partner even through it gives us little physical pleasure performing oral sex. 

Sex and masturbation is not mutually exclusive to me because they serve different purposes and needs. I am a better sex partner because I masturbate.

Good Vibes SG: Seems like you are very enlightened about sex and your body. What advice would you give your younger self if you are able to travel back in time?

I would tell myself to be brave and try out new things. It is not easy to talk about sex and pleasure even with my close friends, so we are pretty much on our own when it comes to understanding how female pleasure works. I would probably want to try out sex toys ealier so that I can understand myself better.

I would also want myself to be more comfortable having a conversation about sex with my partner and my friends. I realise that it is impossible for my boyfriends to understand how sex works for me, being less shy about what I want would probably have done wonders for both of us. I realise my friends want to share their insecurities and little achievements when it comes to their sex life - if we can all be a bit more open about this, that would be great!